Expats on a rainy night in Hilversum...
Number of days in Amsterdam – 71
Number of days without a bike theft – 67
Days since it last rained – 2
It seems as if (fingers crossed) the weather is improving! There is no rain in the immediate forecast, and maybe we can get on with an outdoor existence in the ‘Dam!
It was Tuesday, and Tuesday means baby school. I have to say I’m getting sick of baby school. Not that it’s not useful or practical or somewhat necessary, but it’s just the idea of having to go to class every week. Ah well, just one more night of baby school after tonight.
Tonight was a serious one. We talked about things that could go wrong. We talked about fast termination of the delivery (using tools to extract the baby in case of problems). We talked about Caesarean sections, and the long recoveries associated with them. And we talked about our concerns.
It was sobering when the midwife made a statistical observation. Out of the 10 couples in our class:
- At least one is likely to need assistance in delivery in the form of tools
- At least one is likely to have a Caesarean
- At least one is likely to experience post partum depression
It’s a scary thought. Up until now, my one wish was that the baby grow up strong and healthy inside her momma. I’ve added to that wishlist the desire that the delivery goes well. A woman recovering from a Caesarean is at a disadvantage in this city. Recovery can take months, and all the walking, biking and mass transit needed to get around in this town can be very difficult.
Couple that with the fact that our bedroom and bathrooms are on different floors of the flat, and things get more complicated!
We broke off in groups of men and women and discussed our concerns. An interesting dichotomy became apparent when this happened. The women generally are concerned with the health and size of the baby, and that the delivery goes without complications. The men share those concerns, obviously, but their bigger concerns are more longterm.
The men generally focus on what happens after the baby is born. Specifically after they send you home from the hospital. All of a sudden, you have this baby! What now? It seems to me that up until this point we’ve focused on preparing for the pregnancy leading up to the labor and the birth. After all that, there’s a baby to take care of.
Another concern is the dynamics of relationships after the baby is born. For all of us in the class, we are expats, used to living life here with a minimal support network, the idea that it’s the two of us against the world. What happens to that relationship when a baby is added to the mix? And how hard is it to add that extra responsibility with no support network? None of us have family here, and minimal close friends.
It will be very difficult.
It will also be very rewarding.
I know that when this baby girl comes home, I won’t know what to do. When she cries I won’t know what it means. Odds are, I’ll be really bad at being a dad in the beginning. I’ll make some mistakes. I’ll have some sleepless nights.
That’s OK.
I’ll get through it, and we’ll raise a beautiful daughter who knows love and compassion.
Messages from the class?
Do not concentrate on the things that go wrong. (Which is very hard).
Accept that things will happen beyond your control. (And isn’t that life?)
And when it comes to the labor for mom, in the face of adversity:
Remember a moment you felt very strong. Sometimes it helps to get a little angry. You will get through this, but you need to give 100%.
As a group, the men all glanced over the more serious concerns. What if something does go wrong? Let’s not speak of what those things could be, but what if? In general, we clear them from our heads, because it’s best not to bog ourselves down with concerns that aren’t needed. The fact is, this is the first child for all of us, and we’re all a little scared and a little freaked out.
We discussed space, and finding a place for the baby (many of us live in one-bedroom flats, but that is really a minimal concern for a year or so). And we also bragged about our strollers.
No matter the situation, men do love gadgets.
I want to take a moment to address a comment from a previous post. Alec, who just moved to The Hague and has started the blog 4 Peas in a Flying Pod, asked:
Where exactly are you two finding all of these expats, and fun expat-y events to attend?
Share please…apparently we are looking in all the wrong places!
The answer? All over, but it hasn’t been easy.
I’ve spent some time on the Googles for sure, finding several expat groups, and going to some of their gatherings. They really weren’t what we were looking for, focused more on the young singles scene than anything. Not really fit for a married couple, especially one with a baby on the way!
So what has worked?
Parenting groups.
I started googling expat groups, and posting in forums. I started meeting people on parenting sites for expat parents. Eventually things have worked, and continue to work.
So, Alec, where should you start?
Sign up for an account in the Netherlands section of Expatica. Post a brief intro for folks to find you. Iamexpat also has some great resources. And Nicole has started to meet some wonderful people in the Amsterdam Mamas Facebook Group.
While much of what I’ve done has been Amsterdam focused, The Hague has similar resources. For example, here’s a Facebook Group for expats in the Hague.
And also, stay active on your blog! The larger your presence here, the more expats will find you. I’m hoping we can all work together to build a large expat community, both online and in the real world.
As expats, we face a big set of concerns. I’ve mentioned it before, but dealing with language barriers make the things that you consider to be routine big and difficult concerns. Getting together and sharing questions and tips helps all us expats get around better, and to become less obvious and less annoying to the country that is our current home.
One thing I’m very grateful for about becoming part of the expat community is how much it’s broadening my horizons even beyond the Netherlands. We’re experiencing it all as Americans, but when your friends are from England, India, Canada, Australia, Pakistan, France, Serbia or wherever, there is that added influence and experience.
We’re becoming part of a third-culture, and we’re raising third-culture children. It’s an exciting time and place to be in, but it can also be very lonely until you establish connections with other expats. So good luck.
If You Go:
Don’t worry too much about looking like a tourist. With a little effort, you can instead look like a confused expat.
Ryan, thank you for the helpful tips and advice. We will be sure to check out the links.